I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
