Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
