ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
