Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I understand Curling. That high.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
