He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
