i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
