Your mouth is God's brothel.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
