I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
