When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
