She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you had me at cake vodka
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
