My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
