Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
