Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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