david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
