just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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