Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
