I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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