Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
