My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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