I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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