i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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