I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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