So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
