At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
