Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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