You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
