that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
