Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
