Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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