What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
