those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
