I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
