I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
