We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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