you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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