she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
