i need an iv and a liver transplant
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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