think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
