one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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