sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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