I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Terrible idea I love it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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