I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
