One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
