Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
