the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
