No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
