like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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