so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
