I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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