Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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