I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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